Call the owners of health food bars

The low cholesterol ones, and bid them whip

Lactose-free curds for concupiscent herds

Of cougars, dreaming of that size six dress!

Let such wenches dawdle with boy toys

(Spring flowers—promising loose capers).

“This negligee makes me look fat!” they blurt.

The only empress is the empress of yogurt.


Take from the transgressor of meal,

Packing the Brie-ass globs, that seat

On which she loitered man tails once

And lipo-suck it. Botox her furrowed face.

If bionic cheeks protrude, they come

To show how old she is and numb.

Let a 40-watt light-bulb ease the hurt.

The only empress is the empress of yogurt.


David Alpaugh’s work has appeared in literary journals that include Able Muse, English Literary History, Exquisite Corpse, The Formalist, Free Lunch, Light, Modern Drama, Mudlark, Poetry, Rattle, Twentieth Century Literature, Wisconsin Review, and Zyzyvva. His first poetry collection, Counterpoint, won the Nicholas Roerich Poetry Prize. His collection Heavy Lifting was published by Alehouse Press in 2007. He was the publisher of the Carquinez Poetry Review and has been featured at many venues in the San Francisco Bay Area. He is now a monthly contributor to SCENE4 Media and Arts Magazine.